Category: Bulldog

WHAT: The Box That Gave Its All

HOW: This was a cute little satin-covered box, given to Squirt by one of his aunts. He used it to store various treasures, like fistfuls of change, odd-shaped rocks, or his retainers. He left it on the landing, along with his high school biology textbook.

If any of you have followed this series at all, you probably know by now that Mojo prefers expensive items. So when he looked upon this unexpected bonanza he had a serious decision to make. Which item to chew?

MOJO’S THOUGHT PROCESSES: On one paw, the biology book is expensive, and I like expensive. Yummy! On the other paw, this box smells like Squirt’s retainers! I may be a bulldog, but I know retainers cost way more than that biology book. And Bonnie gets amazingly upset whenever she finds those delicious things on the table, or on the counter, or in Squirt’s pants pockets. So my decision is clear!

BONNIE’S REACTION: Oh, NOOO! Squirt! Were your retainers in that box?

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Oh, NOOO! Mojo! How could you? Why did you eat my box? Why? Why? Why? And it was such a good box, too. (steps over the biology book and the remains of his box) What’s for lunch?

BONNIE: Re— re— re—tainers?

SQUIRT: (opens his mouth and points inside) Nope! Heh! Dog, you thought you had my retainers! Can I make waffles?

REPLACEMENT COST: None, unless you count the lethal lecture delivered to the teenager stuffing his face in the kitchen.

It’s a dark day in the Wren household.

Very, very… DARK.

WHAT: My Cell Phone.

I thought the boys were showing me some poor soul’s cell phone that they’d found in the street. I thought a truck had run over this phone and left it to die. I thought, “Ah, how sad for someone. Thank goodness my cell phone is safe, here on the sofa…”

WHERE: The sofa.

HOW: The sofa was soaked in several quarts of bulldog drool and covered with enough bulldog hair to give Vin Diesel a new rug. So. That let off the cats and the standard poodle. This deed was done by none other than… The Mojonator.

BUT…. HOW? His skills are growing at a rapid rate. He’s like one of those radioactive amoebas that take over Manhattan after arrogant scientists let them out of the Petri dish. Perhaps next week I shall be writing about how Mojo opened the oven door, basted the turkey and then ate it all; or maybe about how he took our van in for an oil change, picked up some groceries on the way home, and then ate both the groceries and our van.

BONNIE’S REACTION: Oh, oh, oh, oh….

TIGER’S REACTION: She’s gonna blow!

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Run!

BONNIE: OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH…..

HUBBY’S REACTION: What? Spit it out! Did you leave something on the floor? (panicked) Is the dog okay?

REPLACEMENT COST: $196.

WHAT: One Bandolino Pump, Size — eh, never mind the size! — Cruelly Gnawed and Slimed with Bulldog Drool

WHAT HAPPENED: Forget about Mojo saving the family from dangerous monsters. We’re not doing that today, no, no, no. Instead, we’re going to discuss a frightening aspect to our Mojo’s personality: namely, The Bulldog Desire to Pull a Shoe Out of the Hanging Shoe Holder.

Another shoe holder, not my own.

Loads of other, male-owned shoes were available for chewage. Loads. All over the floor. In fact, if you can make it through our living room without breaking your neck on a stinky shoe the size of small boulder, then you must be a mountain goat.

And sure, all of those sneakers on the shoe-laden floor are stinkier than, say, MY CAREFULLY PUT AWAY PUMPS but so what? Bulldogs love stinky. “The stinkier, the better,” bulldogs always say. “I stink, therefore I am” is the official bulldog motto. “To thine own self be stinky” is what every parent bulldog tells their pups.

So why would THIS bulldog decide to bulldoze his way past all those other stinky shoes, enter my closet, pull one non-stinky pump out of the hanging canvas shoe holder, and run away with it to the back yard, where he could abuse it so terribly?

Why? Why? WHY?

TIGER’S REACTION: Because you left it on the floor, Mom.

BONNIE’S REACTION: I did not leave it on the floor!

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Whoa, Mom, that’s what we all say. Got to face your punishment like a man— er, a woman.

HUBBY’S REACTION: Well, that’s what you get when you leave your stuff on the floor.

BONNIE: I DID NOT LEAVE IT ON THE FLOOR!

REPLACEMENT COST: None. I hate shopping. But oh, ho, ho, Hubby’s gonna pay, he is. I’m thinking a new haircut. With highlights. And maybe I’ll get a facial, too. Yeah.

WHAT: One Container of Glide Dental Floss

WHAT HAPPENED: The ordinary-looking plastic box may look like it only contained dental floss, but the cunning Mojo saw it for what it really was: a pod containing loathesome, white-tentacled monsters! Lucky for us he destroyed the pod before it could undergo its transformation. Or maybe he just wanted to experience the comfort and convenience of the #1 recommended brand of dental floss.

BONNIE’S REACTION: How long has this been on the floor? How many of you walked over this pile of plastic without bothering to pick it up? Oh, yeah, I forgot Ancient Manly Law #32: “Do not notice anything, or you must pick it up.” Silly me.

TIGER’S REACTION: Uh, were you talking to me?

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Dad! Mom’s going off about those Ancient Manly Laws again!

HUBBY’S REACTION: Did my baby swallow any plastic? No? Whew! Maybe he’s trying to tell us something. Do you think we need to floss his teeth?

WHAT: Morrowind Xbox Game

WHAT HAPPENED: Whilst patrolling his household, the Mojo Meister came across this strange item and destroyed it as best he could, because he realized it was capable of extracting countless hours from human lives, as well as a worthy number of brain cells. Or maybe Mojo just prefers Playstation 2.

TIGER’S REACTION: It was my fault, Mom. I left it on the floor.

BONNIE’S REACTION: Aw, Tiger, that takes all the fun out of it. How am I supposed write up a “Monday Morning Mojo” if you start acting all mature?

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Suckup!

HUBBY’S REACTION: Good job, Mojo! Good dog! Any time you feel like chowing down on an Xbox game, help yourself, little buddy. How about the Xbox console? Here. I’ll unplug it for you.

REPLACEMENT COST: None. See “Hubby’s Reaction,” above.

WHAT: KMS Daily Fixx Clarifying Shampoo and Conditioner

WHAT HAPPENED: Mojo the Whirlwind selflessly punctured and mauled the Insidiously Vile Bottles of Chlorine-Removing Shampoo and Conditioner hiding inside Tiger’s swim bag — and he would do it again, too — even though it makes the Whirlwind blow bubbles for about two hours afterward. Or maybe he just wanted to remove chlorine, hard water deposits and styling product buildup from his gums.

TIGER’S 1st REACTION: Can’t use ’em anymore, Mom. They’ve sprung leaks all over. (Jumps when he sees his mother’s expression) Don’t look at me like that! He pulled it out of my swim bag! Not my fault!

SQUIRT’S 1st REACTION: Dude, you’re totally busted. You left your bag on the floor!

TIGER’S 2nd REACTION: Played any good games on your Gameboy lately?

SQUIRT’S 2nd REACTION: SHUT UP!

BONNIE’S REACTION: Of course, the damn bulldog couldn’t chew up the old, empty bottles, oh, no. He had to go after the brand-new bottles. He had to make sure he had enough to spread all over the floor. I knew it: he has it in for me.

HUBBY’S REACTION: Omigosh, do you think he’s been poisoned? Tiger! You could’ve killed our dog! (examines bottles) This stuff needs a warning label!

REPLACEMENT COST: $18.00.