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Super Sabado: Elf me, baby

Bonnie as ElfJudy is an unrelenting source of good things: first, the snowflake maker that benefits the Salvation Army, and now Elf Yourself.

Yay, Judy! Talk about fun! I couldn’t wait to use it for my weekly procrastination post, so here I am, dancing at the North Pole. I can really move, can’t I?

(I couldn’t figure out how to link to it, until I used the “send to a friend” option and sent myself a link. Just in case you can’t figure it out, either.)

Today’s Super Sabado is about Continue reading “Super Sabado: Elf me, baby”

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Super Sabado: the Christmas decor

The boy who knows it all—and knows it better than his parents ever did before we forgot it all in our geriatric haze—that boy? He is driving.

And I, naturally, am in a bit of shock, but not because of Tiger’s new driver’s license. And no, not because of our greatly increased insurance rates, either, although I think our insurance bill would be an excellent substitute for a heart defibrillator.

Nope, I am in shock because everybody—and I mean EVERYONE—in the cul-de-sac HAS ALREADY DECORATED.

While I was busy stressing and fretting over impending vehicular doom, all of my neighbors decided to show me up with a Christmas/Hannukah festivity that puts the Wren Casa to shame. I’ve got to catch up!

I’ve got to string the Christmas lights, put up the tree, and decorate it… all this weekend! And then I’ve got to do the Christmas cards! And I’ve got to do it ALL BY MYSELF because my men are doing a swim meet this weekend.

I never thought I’d ever say it, but here goes:

BAH! HUMBUG!

Today’s Super Sabado is about the perils of the season, as seen Continue reading “Super Sabado: the Christmas decor”

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Super Sabado: Ay, the Ninjas

Recently I wrote about how Squirt is going to become a famous filmmaker. It’s true. He’s going to be famous, make a bazillion dollars, and then buy his mom a huge house. On the BEACH.

Some of you said you wanted to see this movie, so I asked Squirt and he agreed to put it on my website. I edited out the beginning and the end, but only because it contained some personal information and not because of the poop jokes, no matter what you hear from my boy.

So here is the live-action part of Squirt’s movie, complete with his Engrish-style subtitles. I think it is very artistic but then I’m biased—thinking about that beach house, you know.

Link for feed readers.

Pretty clever, hunh? The kid did everything himself—I only helped with a few shots where he and the neighbor kid needed to be in the same frame.

Today’s Super Sabádo is about Continue reading “Super Sabado: Ay, the Ninjas”

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Super Sabado: Not that we’re complaining, or anything

The pool

2:15 pm: The boys and I leave for swim practice. Tiger drives, and I do my best not to say a word unless it’s

  1. a positive comment noting areas of improvement since our last drive together, or
  2. constructive criticism that will help him improve his driving skills.

An Example of Constructive Criticism

BONNIE: STEP ON THE BRAKES STEP ON THE BRAKES STEP ON THE BRAKES AIEEEEEEEEE…

2:55 pm: We arrive at the pool, despite my firstborn’s best efforts to shovel our van under the rear end of every 16-wheeler on the I-5.

3 pm: Tiger starts practice with Coach Scary. “Scary” isn’t his real name, just my nickname for him. He shouts a lot.

When he walks past my post in the bleachers, I squeeze into a little matronly ball of non-threatening motherhood in the hopes he won’t notice me.

COACH SCARY: GRRRRRRR…

BONNIE: I’m not here…

I used to be able to do work online at the pool because I could piggyback onto an unsecured wireless connection called MOTOROLA at the northeast top corner of the bleachers. But one day it disappeared and a secured connection called IRINA took its place.

I don’t like IRINA.

MOTOROLA: But I’ve got to be there for Bonnie! She needs me!

IRINIA: Get avay from here, you sniveling vorm! Dis eez my place now. Grrrrrrrr…

MOTOROLA: I’m not here…

5:15 pm: Squirt realizes he forgot his goggles, fins, towel, swimsuit—you name it, he’s forgotten it. We go into standoff mode as he tries to persuade me to buy new ones and I try to persuade him to dig a replacement up out of Lost and Found.

SQUIRT: But I NEED new goggles! I’m going to get into SO much trouble!

BONNIE: Lost and Found.

SQUIRT: But the stuff in Lost and Found STINKS!

BONNIE: I think half of that stinky stuff is yours. Lost and Found.

SQUIRT: Ew, I HATE Lost and Found. (paws through plastic tubs of moldy swim gear) Hey! There’s my swim bag!

5:30 pm: Squirt starts practice.

5:45-6 pm: Tiger finishes his practice and my sister picks him up and takes him home. Sissy must’ve always gone hungry in a past life, because she is always trying to feed us.

SISSY: Here’s a fresh-squeezed carrot juice, Bonnie. Drink it. You need it. Here’s one for Tiger. And here’s one for Squirt.

BONNIE: I told you you didn’t need to feed us, Sis!

SISSY: I’m not feeding you, Jeez! Get over yourself! Tiger, there’s a bag of popcorn and four muffins in the car. Hop in! Bonnie, here’s a muffin for Squirt after he finishes. Why are you looking at me like that? I’m not feeding you!

The pool behind my laptop
7 pm: My laptop battery isn’t the only thing dying or dead. My old cell phone bit the dust and now I’m using the new one to take this picture. The new phone has a camera! It can even take video!

I figure I need a camera phone just in case I get robbed or kidnapped or spot a space alien abducting somebody, so I can document it all. Unfortunately, the camera is kind of complicated, so it takes me a while to get it working.
Mojo

Hopefully I’ll only run into really SLOW robbers, kidnappers, or aliens. In the meantime, I do have a really slow bulldog, so I’m not complaining.

Today’s Super Sábado turned into a kind of Continue reading “Super Sabado: Not that we’re complaining, or anything”

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Super Sabado: That would be running, not jogging, which is different

The boys are away on a travel meet, and everybody we run into keeps asking Hubby and me the same question:

You’re alone this weekend? How come you guys aren’t running around the house, naked?

First of all, the questioner seems to assume that not only have you NOT been doing any running around the house, naked, but also that you do not expect to do any running around the house, naked, EVER.

And all of a sudden you realize that empty-nesters everywhere must have built up this huge reputation for running around the house, naked, and that you’re going to have to live up to it, too, or nobody will ever ask you over for dinner again.

And if this question is asked in, say, the grocery store, you wonder if perhaps the questioner is thinking your grocery shopping is more important to you than running around the house, naked!

And then you’re torn between reassuring them that yes, you do expect to be running around the house, naked, as soon as you get home and unload the groceries… or telling them flat out to mind their own beeswax, at which point you just KNOW they’ll think you never intended to run around the house, naked, and poor Hubby.

So. What to answer back?

Appropriate Response if Asked In the Grocery Store

BONNIE: (blushes) Well, um, I, uh….

And then there’s the problem of knowing that the two of you really did plan to run around the house, naked, but were just trying to get in a few errands first.

Appropriate Response if Your Evening Plans Do Include Running Around the House, Naked

BONNIE: (blushes) Well, um, I, uh….

HUBBY: (puts fingers to head in imitation of bull horns, and paws at the floor with his feet)

And what if you’ve already done a little running around, naked, and hope to do a little more, later, but you really feel like it’s too much information to share with, you know, the WHOLE WORLD.

Appropriate Response if You’ve Already Done a Little Running Around the House, Naked

BONNIE: Ummm… (starts blushing)

HUBBY: (puts fingers to head in imitation of bull horns, and paws at the floor with his feet)

BONNIE: (hits him) Stop that!

Okay, so I’ve put the groceries away… and I am now trying to finish up this Super Sabado, and I’ve got to hurry, for reasons you might be able to guess… Continue reading “Super Sabado: That would be running, not jogging, which is different”

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Calling Erica Jong! Calling Erica Jong!

I have to fly early this morning and late tonight, and I am looking forward to it about as much as I look forward one day to traveling to a distant planet, getting a good face-sucking by an alien potted plant and then a few days later having a very sharp and pointy creature claw its way out of my chest.

So now you know something else about me: I hate to fly. I dislike it so much that there’ll be no Super Sabado today because I just spent 24 hours trying to make my last day on this earth a useful one.

I know it’s safer to fly than drive… I KNOW THIS. I’ve seen the statistics. But for some reason I’m still quivering, even though I’ve spent the last few months in the passenger seat of my van with my teenager at the wheel, and if that doesn’t squeeze all travel phobia out of my cranial matter, nothing ever will.

In fact, I think it made my phobia worse. The way I see it, I’ve stared Death in the face so often while riding shotgun with Tiger that Death now knows what I look like and is just waiting for an opportune moment to scoop me up… like when I’ll be hurtling through the friendly skies, my cushy derriere perched atop a tank of jet fuel.

So I’ve been stashing things away, filing, and tying up loose ends I’ve let go for months, and why?

Because when I go down in a flaming ball of fusilage, I don’t want Hubby complaining to the widower-chasers that his wife left everything a mess, even though if they looked in the closets they’d see that’s what I really did.

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Super Sabado: Bagels and other tweakings

I’ve been working on a swim team fundraiser—actually, TWO fundraisers—and a few other projects, too, but Teri asked about the fundraiser, so here are the details:

  1. Fundraiser No. 1, in which I helped with the website publicity (because most of the board has finally realized I am useless at fundraising) and
  2. Fundraiser No. 2, in which I was supposed to solicit a donation of five dozen bagels (because a few holdouts in the board are not quite convinced).

Now, the website thing… I was all over that. I LOVE working on websites. I may not be the fastest webmaster, I may not know what I’m doing, but hey, I sure do enjoy it. I tweaked those website pixels and ems to within microseconds of their little half lives, and boy, did I have fun doing it, too.

But the bagels… ye gad. Why is it so hard to ask someone for a donation? Why? Why? Why?

It should be straightforward and painless:

BONNIE: I would love to see your lovely bagels represented at our fundraiser. May I put you down for five dozen? Thank you! I knew we could count on you to support our team!

Instead, it’s always so horribly twisted and agonizing:

BONNIE: Hello, what? You can’t hear me? Speak up? HELLO? YES—DO YOU WANT ME TO SWITCH PHONES? NO? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? YES? OH, WELL I WAS JUST HOPING YOU WOULD GIVE OUR SWIM TEAM A DONATION OF FIVE DOZ— HELLO HELLO? HELLO? DAMMIT!

So after much serious thought, a few rejections, and lots of procrastination, I went to Costco and bought five dozen bagels.

SWIM TEAM BOARD MEMBER: Why thank you! I knew we could count on you to support our team!

Today’s Super Sabado is a bit rushed, as I am desperate to get back to tweaking those little pixels. And oh! Continue reading “Super Sabado: Bagels and other tweakings”

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Super Sabado: All over the place

Candy CornDang, I hate typos. Why doesn’t anybody let me know? Wait! I’d rather believe nobody noticed, so don’t tell me. Unless—Wah! There’s another one! On a post that’s been up for weeks!

Why is converting one’s theme from two columns to three columns so difficult? I have NO TIME TO BE MESSING WITH STUFF LIKE THIS.

If I sit in the highest, northernmost part of the pool bleachers I can catch lots of wireless signals, sure, but only two are unsecured and only one works—but since there’s no shade I can’t even see it anyway unless the sun has gone down and then I get cold. Maybe if I started hinting at Hubby for Christmas?

Who invented Halloween candy corn, and why? Does anybody else also eat the white part first, the orange part second, and the yellow part third?

I can feel my hips expanding by the minute. Pretty soon I’ll need one of those beep-beep-beep thingies for whenever I go into reverse.

Are the commenters on Angsuman’s MySpace articles even living in the same universe the rest of us are?

Wah! Another Continue reading “Super Sabado: All over the place”

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Super Sabado: We’re experiencing technical difficulties

Oh, I am so wicked.

I’m crouched in someone else’s back yard, piggybacking onto yet another someone’s wireless internet connection. If you hear sirens any time soon, it will because one of those someones eyeballs me and calls the cops.

Well, you’ll never catch me, Copper, because I’m gonna send this and run! Although whether it makes it through the blogosphere is anybody’s guess.

In fact, the web is kind of staticky right now. I can barely see the margaritas, much less see you guys well enough to pass them around.

If you can read this, somehow Continue reading “Super Sabado: We’re experiencing technical difficulties”