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I believe I’ve started procrastinating on my procrastination posts. This can mean only one thing: I’m becoming an expert!
Today’s procrastination is brought to you by the Internet Archive, specifically those “moving images” of the old classroom education films we had to watch as kids.
Remember those?
MR. FINLEY: I give up! I give up! Other men have helpful families. Not me! (he stomps out of the house) Nobody gives me the least consideration. I just get so tired of letting other people push me around! (he plows his car into a police station)
Mr. Finley’s Feelings (1956)
Mr. Finley certainly needed to learn how to deal with his angry feelings in a more constructive way. But not all of the movies we had to watch were about “mental hygiene.” Sometimes they were about “health.”
(Molly removes sanitary pad from her sister’s Modess box and looks at it longingly.)
MOLLY: Jeannie, when do you think I’ll start having periods, too?
Molly Grows Up (1953)
Of course, the boys couldn’t watch health films like Molly Grows Up because… well, they were BOYS. They had their own health films to watch:
(Bill and older boy are working over a lawnmower)
BOY: Hey, you know something?
BILL: No. What?
BOY: I had a wet dream last night!
BILL: What’s that?
NARRATOR: It was something new to Bill, this business of nocturnal emissions!
As Boys Grow (1957)
Most of the movies, though, had important messages for both genders.
BILLY: (dozing off) I bet cowboys don’t wash all the time.
VOICE: But you’re wrong, Billy. It’s not ‘sissy’ to be clean.
BILLY: Who said that? Who’s there?
VOICE: I did! One of your best friends. Let me introduce myself. (a man in a box shaped like a bar of soap fades in and bows) Soapy is the name, pardner.
BILLY: Why, you’re a living cake of soap!
SOAPY: Big as life, Billy!
Soapy the Germ Fighter (1951)
I believe I found most of the education films I remembered, including The Strange Ones, about how little Karen ignored her parents’ warnings and not only accepted candy from a stranger, but got into his car!
And then there’s the infamous Duck and Cover, containing clever little tips on how to survive an atomic bomb, demonstrated by Bert the Turtle.
NARRATOR: It is such a big explosion it can smash in buildings and knock signboards over and break windows all over town! But if you duck and cover like Bert you will be much safer.
Duck and Cover (1951)
My favorites will always be the “health” films, though.
ANN: Miss Jensen, what about dancing? Can you when you’re menstruating?
MISS JENSEN: Yes, you can, with moderation. (she points to a chart on the wall listing acceptable and not-so-acceptable activities during menstruation)
It’s not a good idea to skate, ride horseback, play fast games like volleyball or basketball, or do strenuous dancing like square dancing, or anything that bounces you around a lot.
Molly Grows Up (1953)
According to Miss Jensen’s wall chart, it IS okay to “picnic”. Who knew?
One commercial not on this Google video list—probably because it was for a TV show—almost knocked me off my sister’s sofa. There he was!
