The next day my car interior was completely awash in toxic fumes. I took it to the local car wash and made a deal with the guys to shampoo the upholstery. While I waited, I called the veterinary hospital for the third time that day to see what was going on with Mojo.
ER Vet: Hmmm, well, there’s no more vomiting, he hasn’t had a diarrhea episode since 5 am, his temperature and color are good and he seems back to his normal self. But we’re not going to let him go just yet.
REALITY CHECK NO. 1
ER Hospitalization: $255.84
Ka-ching!
Me: But if he seems better, why can’t I take him home?
ER Vet: We need to run a few more tests on him. He might have Parvo.
REALITY CHECK NO. 2
Fecal Testing $27.82
Ka-ching!
Me: But he’s had all his vaccinations for Parvo! And he’s a bulldog, so you don’t really take him on walks! How could he have gotten Parvo?
ER Vet: You never know. And I see we tested him for Pancreatitis when he came in, but Pancreatitis doesn’t always show up in blood tests in the first few hours, so we need to run those blood tests again.
REALITY CHECK NO. 3
Bloodwork: $103.34
Ka-ching!
Me: (panicked) No! No more tests, really! I think he probably got one of Bruce’s Habanero Chicken Wings at the Memorial Day BBQ! That’s all! No Parvo! No Pancreatitis! And he’s BETTER NOW! You said so, yourself!
ER Vet: We also brought in a specialist to re-read the x-rays, just to make sure we interpreted them correctly.
REALITY CHECK NO. 4
Radiograph & Radiograph Interpretations: $214.68
Ka-ching!
Me: I want my dog back! Er, I mean, HUBBY’S dog! WE WANT HIM BACK!
ER Vet: We’re not going to let him go yet.
I hung up and started planning a way to break Mojo out of the Veterinary Hospital. As soon as my car upholstery was clean of all radioactive fecal matter, that is.
It was too much to think about on an empty stomach, so I went to the little grill eatery inside the car wash lobby and ordered a beef skewer. The woman behind the counter told me how she made everything from scratch, with the freshest ingredients, but my blood sugar was low and I was depressed and I couldn’t make much small talk.
“You are hungry,” she said, and made me a little cup of fragrant herbed rice. All my low-carb resolutions had their brains dashed out the floor of the car wash lobby as I gulped it down faster than you could say “Forgive me, Dr. Atkins!”
Damn, that was good.
“You like that? Here, try this!”
This Goddess of the Grill then made up a little triangle of pita bread with some of her fresh hummus and sprinkled it with an unknown spice. When I held the bread in my hand it was so warm and comforting I stuffed my promises to never eat wheat again into the back pocket of my blue jeans.
I could hear angels singing over the Muzak, it was so tasty.
By this time I was hanging on this woman’s every word. She told me everything she makes is her very own recipe and she does catering, too, and if she had pulled out a pound of sugar and told me she’d made it from scratch, I would’ve sucked it down immediately.
Instead, she took my beef skewer off of the grill and placed it on a bed of white rice. My vow to only eat brown rice forever more was quickly deposited into the waste receptacle of the car wash lobby.
The beef skewer contained some of the most tender beef I’ve ever had in my life, and remember that my Opinions on Steak were forged on Hubby’s barbecued steaks, the Gold Standard By Which All Other Steaks Are Measured.
Ultimately I did bust Mojo out of his medical prison that night, fortified with my beef skewer, hummus and pita and fragrant, herbed rice.
FINAL TOTAL ON VETERINARY EMERGENCY ROOM BILL
$843.39
Ka-ching!
And all I can say is, if you want a really good lunch that’ll take the sting off of an enormous bill and you are near the southwest corner of El Camino Real and Leucadia Boulevard, Skewers Grill is the place to go, the best lunch in the neighborhood.
It’s located inside the Shell Station Market at 1060 N. El Camino Real in Encinitas, opposite the McDonald’s. Just park where you can and enjoy. Or order her stuff through Mobile Waiter.
And if I’m sounding like a commercial, the hummus made me do it.