The Curse of the Kitchen Island Cooktop

Picture of a singed container of yogurt, victim of our fire
YOGURT TELLS OF ORDEAL: “It was horrible, horrible!”.

Our kitchen island ought to be studied by world-class scientists of gravitational theory. Really, it should, because at any time you will find all sorts of stuff that’s mysteriously landed on it; stuff that no one ever remembers putting there!

We’re talking cell phones. Bookbags. Briefcases. Water bottles. Cold medicine. Swim trophies. Geometry homework. Snorkels. Baby wipes. Library books. And even pencil sharpeners! You name it, it arrives on the kitchen island all by itself, rarely leaving room for anything that might actually belong, you know, in a kitchen.

How or why this happens, I don’t know, but I’m confident it has absolutely nothing to do with my housekeeping skills. Rather, I feel very strongly it’s the result of some kind of curse.

The Curse of the Kitchen Island Cooktop

Once upon a time, a kitchen island cooktop rudely told a troll that his messy desk was a sign of a cluttered mind. So the troll cursed all kitchen island cooktops to be clutter landing pads forever and ever and ever. The end.

As a result, Hubby found no room on the kitchen island for his grocery bags when he came home from the store. A little peeved, he plopped everything down on the cooktop instead, not realizing he accidentally turned on the gas burner at the same time.

He didn’t notice anything burning because he immediately left to get more groceries out of his car. Our fire alarms didn’t clue him in either, because even though they’re really good at waking us up at 3 am to announce that their batteries need changing, it turns out they totally suck at reporting an actual fire.

The good news is that he came back in time to discover the flames before they burned down our kitchen island. The bad news is that his sushi was on fire, which, when you think about it, kind of defeats the whole purpose of sushi.

A picture of Bucky, the Siamese Cat
BUCKY THE CAT WITNESSED EVERYTHING: “Heck, yeah, it was pretty funny watching him dance around that cooktop with it on fire and all.”.

Hubby put out the fire but man, oh man, was he ever cranky about it when we finally came home from piano lessons.

“Why,” he asked, launching into Lecture Mode, “Why is this kitchen island never clear of clutter?” This question never troubled him before, of course, but apparently gained importance when his sushi went up in smoke.

As he developed his theme (“Why Your Cooktop Curse Theory Needs Some Work”) I realized that our kitchen table—only three feet away from the kitchen island—was absolutely clear of any clutter. I also realized that if I’d brought in the groceries, I would’ve unloaded them on the kitchen table.

That’s when I knew only I could truly understand the power of the Kitchen Island Cooktop Curse, which could trick my poor man into unloading groceries on the cooktop rather than on the table!

Poor guy. He may have saved our house from burning down, but he’s proved himself completely ineffective when it comes to household curse management.