Living Big in So Cal
Dawn of the Peeps ... I tried to tell him she
might still LOOK like his mother, but her insides had been replaced by the
sugary marshmallow stuff found in all Peeps Pod People. He just
kept asking me if I was taking diet pills ...
Moo-ove Over, Danielle ... The blunt approach
always works best. Besides, it was the truth. I mean, why buy a cow when
you're married to the milkman? And he looks like Arnie
Struts His Stuff ... It was hard to take him seriously, seeing as
how I knew him when he
barely came to my kneecap. But this boy wasn't just talking big.
clutching at his trawling line as if it was a life preserver and they were
going under for the third time... (continued)
"... There's only one way to do this," he answered,
and I knew what he meant. Swallowing my modesty, I grabbed the doorpost
with both hands...
I Was Cursed by the Wholesale Club
"... Take a good look at the contents of my cart. Notice how I
have TWO of everything. Do you think I really need two 40-pound bags of
food, two gallons of mayonnaise and two CDs of Three Australian Tenors
Sing Brooklyn Ballads?..."
You Better Wave
... You might say I'm a persistent little waver. If
you don't wave back at me, I think the problem through. I figure:
didn't see me wave. I mean, why else wouldn't you wave at
I Fought the
Lawn and the Lawn Won
... It turns out mowing is actually a lot like vacuuming, only you have
to empty out the bag more often...
The PROBLEM Is...
... Mona leaned closer, smiling wickedly. "Bonnie," she
asked, "Are you
having an affair with the G.E. repairman?"...
Pushed to a Frizzle
... You don't often see an hourglass figure like hers anymore.
Nowadays the beauty standard is less hourglass and more "candy apple
on a stick"...
Use the Force,
... Every summer I take a Weight Watchers
cookbook and beat myself over the head with it...
Thanks a Lot, Mom
... Mom always said we'd never know when a bus might hit us and
paramedics would have to check out our underwear...
... I hate the Phantom. Every October we receive a plate of treats and
cute Halloween chain letter threatening us with a curse unless we
two more households within 24 hours. It's like a supernatural
situation with multi-level-marketing...
... Suddenly what Carl said finally worked its way into Didi's
let's just say Hell hath no fury like the woman whose husband tells
do something she was thinking of doing anyway...
The Bell Tolls for 90 Days, Same as
... The next morning the bell
rang twice. The first guy asked me what "solicitors" meant.
After I told
him, he promised me academic success for my boys if I purchased his
in the Happiest Place on Earth
... Maybe the boys and I could give him the slip once we got inside. I
really wanted a nice family experience, but I doubted even Jessica Rabbit
could've put Hubby in a decent frame of mind at that point...
Revenge a Dish Best
Served on Dirty Plates
... My husband claims I write a skewed version of the truth about him
month. He refers, of course, to PMS days--those dark times when
Hubby and the kids find it necessary to Pummel My Sanity...
Beefcakes Goes for the Burn
... He did seem kind of brawny in his sleeveless tee and shorts, and if
he made one more pose I was going to have to throw a bucket of water over
The Other Woman
is a Car
... I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to remember the last time
he touched me like he was touching that car...
... I do not believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
It's absolutely impossible we come from the same solar system...
Beware of the
... As the only woman in the group, I'm proud to say I was able
up with the power walking, elbow-flapping guys, who kept grouching at each
other: "no running, NO RUNNING!"...
... This really burned me up. Women everywhere were making a mint in
collectibles while my MBA-toting husband fiddled with mutual funds...
The End of
Life As We Know It
... Somehow we never got bitten by the Beanie Bug, despite accidentally
buying two early Beanies that would now be quite valuable if 1) I
taken the tags off (who knew?) and 2) I hadn't tossed them into the
when they got dirty (I repeat, who knew?)...
Kids & Other Small Creatures
Bates Doesn't Live Here Anymore, So Get Your Own Towels
... As usual, I can never shower by myself. If it isn't a knock
door, it's one of those noisy split-personality debates Hubby says I
never tell anybody about...
Go Away! Ant
... I can tell you anything you want to know about fire ants because I
lived in Texas for three years. The Lone Star State is also known
world-wide by its other nickname, "The Land of Bugs." And
believe me, I
stepped on some beauties...
... I'd given plenty of pills to pets in my lifetime. It had been
practice for squirting Tylenol down toddlers' throats...
We All Have to Go
... They could be doing The Dance so fast you can't see their
clearly, yet they refuse to admit to any unusual pressure in their lives
Babies on Board
... All of them turned their tiny heads and stared at me as one, as if
say, "where's the chow?"...
... It always happens this time of year. I stagger out the front door
get the morning paper... and plow into the mother of all webs...
... "Call your husband right now and tell him to come
home. I want you pregnant by tomorrow morning." (She has always
been a take-charge kind of woman, but this was pushing it just a
This Is Not Your Mother's Piano
... No one should confront a dessert table after an experience like
that. I filled my face with everything I could grab, especially if it had
chocolate in it. When I started to get dirty looks, I went for the carrot