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I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

This is Cathe

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Bulldog on Friday, May 5, 2006

This is Cathe. Cathe is beautiful. I want to be just like Cathe.
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Picture of Cathe Friedrich, stretching

And this is my workout partner. He thinks he’s (Read the rest of “This is Cathe”)

Cats don’t need no stinkin’ garlic butter

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Little Critters on Thursday, March 9, 2006
Did I forget anything?

We don’t say “diet” around here, no, no, no.

The very word diet comes from an Old French word meaning “put the cookie down,” and therefore denotes deprivation and great sadness, not to mention multiple handfuls of Nestlé Toll House Morsels tossed back when nobody’s looking.

Nope. In our house we use the phrase, “eat clean,” which means, we eat better than you.

It means that after intense dietary research, after the expensive purchase of lots of “whole” and “unprocessed” and “organic” foods, and after the violent and heartless removal of my stash of Nestlé Toll House Morsels from deep within the freezer, I may now make fun of my neighbor’s block of Velveeta when she isn’t in hearing range.

Because I’m eating clean, I’ve also gotten religion. Where I once mistakenly attended the Our Lady of Low Fat, I have now seen the light and worship at the Holy Mysteries of the Low Carb, where we tsk tsk about those poor souls still attending the Gathering of Calorie Counters. They’re all going to swimsuit hell. They just don’t know it yet.

Didn’t need religion yesterday, though. Any desire to eat instantly evaporated when I moved my kitchen trash container to sweep and found… this… creature:

Picture of the kiwa Hirsuta, which is very kiwa, and very hirsuta, if I may say so'
Allow me to introduce the Kiwa Hirsuta, which after intense scientific study has been found to be not only very kiwa, but also extremely hirsuta.

Okay, so that’s the wrong creature. My creature was a land lizard of some sort, minus various body parts, whereas this is a sea crustacean of some sort, presumably found intact. But I’m certain the scientists who discovered this character also lost their appetites when they realized what garlic butter would do to all that blonde hair.

By the way, “kiwa hirsuta” means hairy garlic butter, in case you were wondering.

Nope, the lizard creature I found had crawled under my kitchen trash to hide from one of the cats, but sadly gave up and croaked after he realized the Lizard Swat Team also got eaten and at that moment was being regurgitated all over our living room couch.

Yes, “eating clean” in this house is much easier than you’d think it might be.

On dumbbells, bulldogs and saber tooth tigers

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge on Wednesday, March 8, 2006

I’ve started working out again.

“Oh good lord,” you say. “Now we’re all gonna be subjected to ‘Woo hoo! My forearm muscles came in! Yay!'”

Come on, can it be that bad? I just don’t understand sentiments like Pat’s:

Blog Resolutions

*I will not start an exercise program and chronicle my progress on my blog. If God Almighty wanted me to run, he would’ve put me in the Stone Age and set a saber tooth tiger after me.

Pat Kirby, Ramblings from the desert

As much as I adore Pat, I’ve gathered two important facts about her from her blog that you should know, namely: 1) She sounds tiny, and 2) I’m pretty sure my bottom outweighs her.

She may be scrappy as all get out and she probably can beat me at arm-wrestling (those artists build biceps like bowling balls!) but I figure I can quiet her down some if I sit on her. There’s no way she’s going to protest if she can’t inhale.

I won’t go into great detail about my workouts, I swear. I’ll just give you a few nonspecifics here and there, like how God Almighty didn’t see fit to send me a saber tooth tiger to help me with my cardio.

He did send me Mojo the Bulldog, though, an offer I resisted until yesterday—when I barricaded Mojo out of my workout space and as a result he almost electrocuted himself. (Electrifying details to follow in the next Monday Morning Mojo.)

So from now on, it’s just Mojo and me, working out, battling those extra pounds together.


This is a pushup

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Bulldog,Wren's Eye View on Sunday, February 26, 2006

This is a pushup.
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Picture of a gal doing big girl pushups Start. Or Finish. You pick. I couldn’t find a picture of the middle part, when you’re kissing the ground.

Pushups are evil.

This is what I see whilst (Read the rest of “This is a pushup”)

Dawn of the Peeps

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Columns on Thursday, March 10, 2005

March 1.

Spring is almost here! Woohoo! Birds are chirping, flowers blooming, the whole world is waking up. Spring! That grand time of year when a woman’s thoughts turn to…

Swimsuit season? Holy cow! It’s only a few months away−and I’m WAY out of shape!

(Read the rest of “Dawn of the Peeps”)

Moo-ove Over, Danielle

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Columns,Hubby on Wednesday, January 26, 2005

There comes a time in every woman’s life when she’s got to decide whether or not she’s going to keep the vow she made when she was young and naive, back in the days when her head was full of hearts and flowers and her love life seemed like a juicy romance novel.

That time had come for me. What I was doing wasn’t working any more. The only option left was to go back on everything I’d ever believed and enter a brave, new world of excitement, thrills and dangerous liaisons.

But would Hubby let me? (Read the rest of “Moo-ove Over, Danielle”)

Mr. Beefcakes Goes for the Burn

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Columns,Hubby on Sunday, October 1, 2000

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  And sometimes a fancy workout machine is really just an oversized clothes hanger.  At least, that’s what I insisted as an employee from Scratch and Dent Fitness installed one slightly used Hoist 200 into our kitchen/family room.

I’m a fitness videotape kind of gal.  So was Hubby, until a few Hoist brochures revealed this gender blunder to him.

“Come on,” I said. “One reason we bought this house was because it had a walk-in closet. How much more clothes space do you need?” (Read the rest of “Mr. Beefcakes Goes for the Burn”)

Use the Force, Ellie Mae

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge,Columns,So Cal Living on Tuesday, March 14, 2000

Every summer I take a Weight Watchers cookbook and beat myself over the head with it.

Why, I groan, didn’t I exercise all year? Then at least I could be half as buff as my cousin, a former track star. When that gal drops her towel at the beach, nobody ever runs off screaming. (Read the rest of “Use the Force, Ellie Mae”)

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