The Benchwarmers: oh, the pain, the pain

The Benchwarmers official website

Imagine, if you will, four teenagers looking for entertainment during Spring Break. Imagine they ask their mother/auntie to take them to a dumb movie. Imagine that she does. Insert really scary music here.

The Benchwarmers. Aaack! My eyes! My eyes!

In my defense, other than its rating (PG-13) I had no idea what this movie was about, having seen no previews, read no reviews, and basically having lived under a rock for the last few months. During the opening credits I saw “A Happy Madison Production,” and tried to remember where I’d heard that term before, but alas, it was too late.

Needless to say, Squirt LOVED it. But then, he’s 15 now and infamous for his repertoire of potty jokes.

SQUIRT: Yup, I dropped two friends off at the lake today. Get it? Two friends? At the lake? Har! Har! Har!

To stem the flow of brain cells trying to escape during the movie, I concentrated on the audience trapped with me. I eventually focused on this one big guy and compared his middle-aged reactions with Squirt’s 15-year-old reactions to various plot devices:

Plot Device Big Guy Squirt
Vomit (lots) laughed happily appreciative “eeew!”
Groin injury huge laugh—HUGE happy chuckle
Nose-picking amused guffaw “HAR HAR HAR!”
Booger-eating big laugh howled
Fart weaponry slaps armrest delighted beyond measure
Man titty-twisting fell out of seat seemed confused
“Jocks who bully are really gay” joke sneer concern
Hot women find Rob Schneider’s and David Spade’s characters attractive even before they become heroes accepted as perfectly plausible ditto

And there you have it, the entire plot of The Benchwarmers, wrapped up in a handy-dandy little table. As far as I know, only one parent was harmed during the viewing of this movie.

NOTE TO JON HEDER: Dude, you are seriously typecast. Get yourself into an action flick, or a Martin Scorsese film, quick!

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5 Replies to “The Benchwarmers: oh, the pain, the pain”

  1. Oh.. dodged that one.

    No one in the house is begging me to go see it.

    Scary Movie 4 is a please! Please, Mom, can we go?

    Guess where I’ll be this weekend.

    Dare I insert scary music? LOL

    Save me?


  2. We’re doing scary movie 4 too this weekend because “A” saw the trailer for it…”Mum, Scary Movie 4 is out, it looks soooooooooooooooooo cool, it has that lame Dr Phil, and he cuts his foot off like in that movie you and dad went to see, SAW. It’s so cool mum coz he cuts the wrong foot off, we have to go see it”.
    OYE, what a way to spend Easter!

    Have a happy easter Bonnie, give the adorable Bucky and Mojo big hugs!

    Happy Easter to your readers also :o)

  3. just goes to show…the male of the species has specific DNA traits that are consistent across the board….LOL

    Have a happy and blessed Easter!

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