Official First Impressions

“Chill, Bonnie!”

“But Sophie, Ladies’ Night Out was supposed to be about improving ourselves. Like a book club… or something… Oh! How about keno?”

My neighbor sighed patiently. “Bonnie, by improving our wardrobes, we actually improve ourselves. After all, we only get one chance to make that Official First Impression, when we literally are what we wear. So. Let’s look at what we’re wearing.”

I looked.

Sophie’s outfit seemed stylish enough, but my Official First Impression would probably best be described as “Garage Sale Escapee.” Or maybe even “Thrift Store Donation Pile.”

Which is why the following Wednesday night found Sophie and me in a community college classroom, where we donned white smocks and listened to a Seasonal Beauty Color Consultant explain how men and children instinctively know their true colors, but for some reason we women get confused and need Seasonal Beauty Color Consultants.

“Who’s going first?” asked the consultant.

A pale woman with bleached hair and eyebrows volunteered. When she sat under the full-spectrum lights, her Official First Impression could best be described as “Peeled Banana.”

The consultant told us green veins meant “warm” coloring and blue veins meant “cool” coloring. She asked us to examine Ms. Banana’s arm veins.

“I see!” “How obvious!” chorused the class.

I squinted, but couldn’t see a difference.

“They’re green!” everyone shouted.

“Right!” said the consultant. “Is she light, medium or dark complected?”

That one was easy. Ms. Banana was perhaps the only person on earth whiter than I was.

The consultant then asked for our opinions of the different color swatches she placed over Ms. Banana. I thought they all looked fine, but Sophie and the rest of the class were more judgmental.

“Yes!” They shouted. “No!” “Beautiful!” “Yuck!”

The consultant declared Ms. Banana a Spring and held up all her Spring colors, which I felt were exceedingly ugly. I decided right then that whatever I was, it wasn’t a Spring. I could live with Olive or Khaki, but never Coral or Salmon.

Sophie went next and was classified as a Summer. “I knew it,” she shrugged. “I just wanted the color swatches you get at the end of class.”

One classmate got pegged as a Winter; another an Autumn. So far we were an equal opportunity color spread.

And then it was my turn. “Green veins. Pinky peach complexion,” the consultant decided. When she swirled Gold Lame over my shoulders, the class sighed in united bliss.

“Spring!”

“No way!” I cried. I demanded to be draped in Autumn swatches. The class booed them all down, even Olive and Khaki. I tried Summer swatches, too–everything from Silver to Cocoa–but each shade was greeted with, “Ick! Ugh! Give it up! You’re a Spring!”

It seemed to me the class was spurred on by the real Spring, the Evil Ms. Banana, who deserved every single one of her ugly colors. She was the worst case of misery looking for company I’ve ever seen.

“Learning to love one’s true season can be an emotional adjustment,” the consultant soothed as she helped me take off my smock. “Think Bright Yellow-Green! Coral Pink! Clear Bright Salmon!”

And that’s when she got her Official First Impression of the clothes under my smock. “Hmmm,” she frowned. “This outfit composes a Winter color scheme that’s much too harsh for your delicate coloring. Much.”

Shaken, I clutched my Seasonal Beauty Spring Color Swatches as the class closed with a question and answer session, mostly about shopping. Autumns should try Eddie Bauer, Banana Republic and Mac cosmetics. Winters and Summers will have luck anywhere, but remember that Estee Lauder was a Winter. And Springs are on their own, having to weed through everybody else’s leftover colors to find what they can wear to match their dinky little oddball palette.

I pouted all the way home, where Hubby declared we would not revamp my closet just because some crazy woman said my veins didn’t match my wardrobe. Somehow, this provided me with a sort of comfort. In fact, I’d say it turned the tide.

“Is that right?” I huffed, “So I’m stuck with an Official First Impression of ‘Too Harsh a Color Scheme’ just because YOU say so? Hunh?”

He thought this through but looked confused. “Were you speaking English just now?”

Still, I found it difficult to fully embrace my Springness until I spent a whole day quizzing everyone I met on whether they thought my veins were green or blue.

The new wardrobe would come later, after Hubby chilled out a bit.