|Blurry picture courtesy of the “no flash photography allowed” rule. Tiger is stage right, second spoon from the left.|
WOMAN: My son appears in several of the skits tonight.
BONNIE: How nice!
WOMAN: Do you have a child in the show?
BONNIE: Yes. My son.
WOMAN: And what is he doing?
BONNIE: He’s, um, playing a … (coughs) … a …spoon.
WOMAN: He’s playing a tune?
BONNIE: He’s playing a spoon! A spoon! There! I said it! My SON IS A SPOON.
Actually, I made up this scene. In reality I am quite proud of my son. The spoon.
As a matter of fact, I can honestly say without any parental bias whatsoever that my son is not only a spoon, but he is an extremely HANDSOME and TALENTED spoon. Possibly the most handsome and talented spoon on stage last night, thank you very much.
And as long as we’re on this subject, I might as well add that I’ve never seen another spoon sing or dance so entertainingly in my entire life, and I grew up in the 60s and 70s.
But who would expect Tiger’s experience as a spoon to reveal the sad reality of cutlery inequality in America today? Who knew the injustice against spoons could be so blatant?
COSTUME MANAGER: Listen up! Pants will set you back $15, but shorts only cost $13.
TIGER: But those shorts… are too short! We won’t look like real spoons in shorts!
MIKE, FELLOW SPOON: Especially in those shorts. Money is no object. Give us the pants.
(several days later)
You may see a boy dressed as a fork, but I see an example of the anti-spoonism that rages across America today.
COSTUME MANAGER: Okay, guys, I saved us all a little money! (to the forks) Here are your pants.
COSTUME MANAGER: (to the spoons) Here are your shorts.
MIKE: The forks get pants and we don’t?
TIGER: But we paid for pants!
COSTUME MANAGER: It was cheaper.
MIKE: What did you do… go to lunch on our pants?
I have half a mind to go to that school and challenge this flatware injustice entrenched in our educational system RIGHT NOW.