Bikini bottom as toe ornament

The mail arrives… and I feel a great disturbance in the Force.

I hesitate in front of the mailbox. It seems to bulge with significance… with portent… with… with… well, it’s certainly bulging, that’s for damn sure.

Wah! There it is, between the gas and electric bill and the supermarket circular! The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue!

Elsa Benitez, Veronica Varekova, Elle Macpherson, Rebecca Romjin, Rachel Hunter, Daniela Pestova, Yamila Diaz-Rahl, and Carolyn Murphy
Elsa Benitez, Veronica Varekova, Elle Macpherson, Rebecca Romjin, Rachel Hunter, Daniela Pestova, Yamila Diaz-Rahl, and Carolyn Murphy

Omigosh, look at those breasts! I guess the price is reasonable enough for what you get—and Hubby sure does love the big ones—I’ll have to think about getting some later.

Well, that’s enough of the chicken sale in the supermarket circular. It’s time to pore over the Swimsuit Issue!

Perhaps it is really the “Half-a-Swimsuit Issue,” as many of the ladies are topless, save for a floral lei or a string of beads, or artfully placed arms and hands. The structural engineering involved is mind-boggling.

And oh, my! One gal took off her swimsuit bottom, too. Rather than stretching across her lovely bum, it dangles seductively from her big toe. Another model wears nothing more than a few hibiscus blossoms and a dusting of sand. At least she looks warmer than the one wearing the diamond and platinum”$30 Million Bikini.”

Ah, so THAT’S what a Brazilian wax is all about. I wondered…

The Heidi Klum Body Paint is well done, very pretty; a spread inspired by “the glamour girls of old Hollywood.” Artistic and tasteful and…

Holy cow! Did Heidi Klum really give birth three months before these photos were taken? To her SECOND CHILD?

And look! There’s Elle, for crying out loud, looking just like she did in the 80s. I always suspected she was really a gorgeous space alien who left her mother ship for a lucrative modeling contract. I’ll finally be proven right, too, when she’s featured in the 2046 Swimsuit Issue.

Cough, cough, HACK! What is THIS advertisement selling? A “vibrating ring”? With a “small battery in a soft casing”?


I looked through the magazine twice, but no athlete’s wives. Bummer! I always liked those. And only one representative of a real female athlete: Maria Sharapova. She looks better than any of these supermodels.

Picture of Maria Sharapova
The best figure in the whole magazine: Maria Sharapova. Why doesn’t Sports Illustrated show us more than one female sports figures per swimsuit issue?

The articles are all so-so. Carla Campbell feels her lips “are very sensual.” Petra Nemcova has recovered from her life-threatening injuries during the Christmas 2004 tsunami—and she looks stunning in that Beach Bunny bikini. Bahamas tree frogs prefer toilets to trees… Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m done. Back to the supermarket circular.

When Hubby comes home I discreetly give him his mail. Do I feel insecure? Tubby? Unattractive in comparison to the beauties in those pages?

You bet.

I later find Hubby in bed, reading the regular Sports Illustrated with “Flying Tomato” Shaun White on the cover.

“Where’s the Swimsuit Issue?” I ask.

“Eh, those gals need to work out a bit. Too skinny. No muscle tone.”

Is it any wonder why I love this man?

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3 Replies to “Bikini bottom as toe ornament”

  1. I have had 4 kids – do you know what that does to a body?!?!? I don’t wanna see that *whining*

    – luckily the DH has an all male workplace – save his very patient assitant – so he keeps all that stuff up there – and I am soooooo not ready to see my boys looking at that!

  2. The DH has at least good sense…LOL…bringing that issue to bed is usually a death sentence….In my younger days in the emergency room…I once saw a guy brought in with with one of those issues stuck…..never mind….nothing like a woman scorned…or compared!

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