Why I never do well in political debates

Yesterday I survived one of those two-sided arguments I sometimes have with myself, the ones Hubby says I should never tell anybody about.

This time it was my Conservative side that started it. “Bush says Harriet Miers is a conservative,” she said, examining her fingernails, “and maybe they both believe it, but I ask you: what kind of conservative can possibly be in favor of affirmative action?”

Of course, my Liberal side is always willing to jump in and argue about anything my Conservative side says. “Affirmative action?” she snorted. “Affirmative smacktion! Sure, she’s okay with minorities getting good jobs, as long as they aren’t gay, or want an abortion!”

My Right side looked incredulous. “What the hell are you talking about? Don’t you find it telling that the article you cite mentions Miers’ strong feminazi supporter, Louise Raggio? Heck, ole’ Harriet even raised money to promote a lecture series that featured Gloria Steinem! Sounds like a closet feminist to me.”

“So you say!” snapped my Left side. “Planned Parenthood and Molly Ivins say Miers will ban abortion if she can, and if they say so, it must be true. What the hell kind of feminist is that?”

My Right side sniffed indignantly. “I don’t know about such extremist groups or columnists. If they’re right, how come even that lefty rag the LA Times says Harriet will be the only Supreme Court justice who ever complied with your precious Voting Rights Act, hunh?”

“Gimme a break!” taunted my Left side. “She can’t even accurately describe the Voting Rights Act, much less comply with it. And Bush says she’s qualified! Ha!”

My Right side bristled. “Don’t be dissing the President! Her credentials are outstanding, she’d be great for some high post, sure, but maybe not right for the bench, that’s all.”

“Oh, yeah, RIGHT,” snarled my Left side. “Even Rush Limbaugh thinks she’d be better off running the Federal Reserve.”

My Right side couldn’t help but snicker at that one. “Ha! She can’t even remember to pay her own lawyers association dues! She’d be good in another post, sure, but not the Federal Reserve.”

“I think you’re just blowing smoke up my dainty derriere,” said my Left side, her eyes narrowing. “You act all huffy and angry about this nomination, like she was a liberal activist judge or something. What gives?”

“Oh, you and your commie conspiracy theories!” huffed my Right side. “She IS a liberal! What, haven’t you been listening?”

Now my Left side was insulted. “She ain’t a liberal. She’s a conservative crony! That’s all!”

“Shut up! She’s a liberal! You know it, I know it, and the American people know it!”

“She’s an Evangelical Christian! ”

My Right side threw up her hands. “Religion means absolutely nothing!”

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I said…. EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN! Say goodbye to gay rights!” my Left side shouted.

“Get off that horse already! Since when is being religious a crime?” My Right side shook her head in disbelief. “Besides, we have no guarantee her religious beliefs will guide her on the bench, despite what Dobson keeps hinting, you, you… you socialist, left wing nut job!”

“If I’m a nut job,” said my Left side, menace in every syllable, “then what do you call someone who ignores every mistake Mr. Presidential Ding-a-Ling has offered up, from non-existent WMDs to outsourcing American jobs? Hunh? The nice word would be ‘delusional,’ but I think ‘corrupt’ applies here, as it does to the entire administration!”

“Why, you….” started my Right side, clenching her fists.

“Bring it on, baby!” answered my Left, assuming a kickboxing stance she learned in one of our aerobics classes.

And that’s when both my sides got down and dirty in a brawl that had me rolling on the floor in the dust bunnies and magazine advertising inserts… until Hubby came in and told me I had too much coffee again.

So I guess I’m going to have to say I am neutral on the Miers nomination. Or I am, at least, until one of my sides lets me know who won.