One month before the deadline:
Squirt: It’s just a research project.
Bonnie: Okay! (rubs hands together excitedly) You need to schedule your research, your outline, first draft, second draft and final draft. Oooh, and don’t forget the bibliography and the title page.
Squirt: (Rolls eyes. Wonders if all children of former English majors fight daily urges to run from their homes, screaming.)
Three weeks before the deadline:
Bonnie: Sweetheart! How’s that paper going?
Squirt: Fine! I’m reading.
Bonnie: Research! Check!
Squirt: (Rolls eyes. Wonders if she’ll notice he’s reading Electronic Gaming Monthly.)
Two weeks before the deadline:
Bonnie: Are you still reading for your research paper?
Squirt: No, Mom. I’m done with my research. Paper’s coming along fine! (Rolls eyes. Wonders if he will survive until he is 18. Or will he be found on the floor, wilted by this constant barrage, a pitiful heap of downtrodden youth slain in front of the open refrigerator door?)
One week before the deadline:
Bonnie: You can’t go out with your friends unless you’ve done at least the final draft of your paper.
Squirt: Like I’ve been trying to tell you, it’s not a regular research paper. It’s a project. It’s got pictures. And stuff.
Bonnie: Hunh? What kind of research paper is that?
Squirt: Mom! (Rolls eyes. Wonders what Dad ever saw in this woman besides research paper assistance, what with all those hot old-timer babes like Cheryl Ladd and Christie Brinkley running around in the old days.)
Three days before the deadline:
Bonnie: Come back here, young man!
Squirt: I’m done! All I need is to staple it together.
Bonnie: And where is this mysterious project? I’ve never seen you actually work on it!
Squirt: Mom! Don’t worry! (Rolls eyes. Imagines his future best-selling tell all book about the trials and tribulations of living under this woman’s research paper obsession. Imagines it has lots of pictures. And stuff.)
One day close to the deadline, but we’re not sure:
Bonnie: Well? Isn’t it due tomorrow?
Squirt: Actually it was due yesterday, but I couldn’t find it. Mr. S. gave me an extension.
Bonnie: They give extensions? Huh! School has gotten a lot easier than it was when I was a ki— You LOST it?
Squirt: I’ll redo it in homeroom today. Stop worrying.
Bonnie: You’ll do a research project in homeroom? A research project that was supposed to take you four weeks? What is wrong with the high school system today? What is going on with our youth? Where did I go wrong? I read all the books! I was extremely consistent! I did my be—
Squirt: (Rolls eyes and dreams of his glorious future when he will be free to play Xbox all day — in college maybe, or in his super cool job testing new video games even — far, far away from former English majors who claimed they gave birth to him.)
My mother teaches 9th grade English and sometimes she lets me read their papers. Most of the time I can’t understand how they made it to high school and can’t write a coherent sentence!