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I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

The Thing Below should’ve stayed there

Filed under: Watching on Saturday, October 22, 2005

Once upon a time some young men got together for some Xbox and Cheez-wiz and after many happy hours of joyful play they put their game controllers down and began to chat.

1st Guy: Hey! Let’s make a movie!

2nd Guy: DUDE! (high-fives all around) But there’s gotta be a monster…

3rd Guy: …that eats your face off!

1st Guy: Yeah! And a porn star!

2nd Guy: A naked porn star! With lotsa oil!

3rd Guy: This is gonna be great. (starts writing on his hand) Monster, porn star, oil…

1st Guy: And a bad government guy…

2nd Guy: A government coverup!

3rd Guy: He’ll look like that X-Files smoking dude!

1st Guy: With sunglasses. Bad government guys always wear sunglasses. Even in dark caves.

3rd Guy: (writing) Sunglasses, caves… Dude! We’ll have lots of men in black!

2nd Guy: And a coupla scientists in white coats! The monster will eat them, too.

1st Guy: Tell me more about the porn star.

2nd Guy: Whoa, dude. I just got a brain flash. DUDE. She does a little sexy act, you know, maybe a naked dance with strobe lights or something, a little tongue action and then… SHE EATS THIS GUY’S FACE OFF!

1st Guy: Will she be covered in oil?

2nd Guy: Yeah!

1st Guy: I’m all with that. Sick!

Seriously, this could be the best grown-up party movie, ever. It’s so confused your guests won’t miss anything if they stop watching to play a game of ping pong or go to the bathroom or even if they arrive a half-hour before the movie ends. It’s got the kind of unintentional humor that’ll make anybody who does watch it bust a gut laughing.

But that porn star scene… sadly, Squirt and Tiger will not be allowed to enjoy The Thing Below until they’re married with at least two kids.

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