The one thing I’m good at

I birthed them, bathed them, wiped their noses and their bottoms. I kept their vaccinations up-to-date and I never poisoned either of them with my cooking. I transported them safely to various places like the playground, the supermarket, and grandma’s house… all by myself.

So why do they suddenly think I have no idea what I’m doing?

Squirt: Turn on your blinker.

Me: I know when I’m supposed to turn on my blinker, and I’ll do it when I’m good and ready. (turns on blinker)

Squirt: Oh! Pass this guy up. Get into the next lane!

Me: Jeez! Lay off, will you? I’ll get into the next lane when it’s safe, and not a minute before. (moves into the next lane)

Squirt: The speed limit is 45! You’re doing 47. You better slow down.

Me: I KNOW WHAT THE $!@?$! SPEED LIMIT IS!

And it’s not just driving, either. For some reason they believe I’m totally clueless in every aspect of my life. Like if it weren’t for them, I’d be sitting on an anthill somewhere with my thumb in my ear.

Tiger: Flip the pancake now.

Me: It isn’t covered with bubbles yet.

Tiger: Sure it is. It’s covered with plenty of bubbles. That’s enough bubbles.

Me: Not enough bubbles. Not yet.

Tiger: The bubbles have bubbles! Flip it!

Me: NOT UNTIL IT’S COVERED WITH BUBBLES! There. (flips pancake)

Of course, their faith in my abilities is suddenly restored if the job is something they should be doing themselves.

Me: This is your bathroom toilet. Note that it is clogged.

Tiger: Uh, why am I here?

Squirt: He did it! Not me!

Me: And this is a toilet plunger. Note which end I am holding.

Squirt: Oooh, no… no… no, Mom!

Me: Stay with me here! Grasp the stick end, insert the plunger end, and plunge. You try.

Squirt: (backs away) This never works when I do it.

Tiger: Me either. Mom? Nobody can plunge like you can.

Occasionally I even impress them with my “abilities.”

Me: It isn’t rocket science! You pick up the plunger… (picks up plunger) you face the toilet… (faces the toilet) and then… (the toilet immediately gurgles and unclogs)

Squirt: Wow!

Tiger: Whoa, Mom! Bwa ha! (runs out of the room) Dad! Dad! Mom’s got a face that can unclog a toilet!