Must… get… their chocolate…

Pic of jack-o-lanternWhen my boys were little I told them 7th grade was the cut-off point for Trick-or-Treating. “Nobody goes out begging for candy after they hit junior high,” I’d say, and their eyes would grow wide as they contemplated this tragic consequence of aging.

Yeah. Well. I was wrong.

In our neighborhood even high school seniors go Trick-or-Treating. The girls go out dressed like can-can dancers or french maids. The boys usually go out as psychotic murderers or psychotic murder victims. Neither gender is ashamed of itself, either, not even when some of the boys sing “Trickertreat!” in baritone.

I guess this okay, as long as they still aren’t holding out pillowcases to strangers when they’re in college. And I suppose it’s time for me to confess: I used to profit from this extended childhood in a most shameful way.

Armed with the Official Child Safety Mandate to protect my children from poisoned candy and razor-bladed apples, I’d search through their pillowcases, secretly pocketing some of the best goodies for myself. (Mounds, Peppermint Patties, Reeses — hoo yeah.)

I can still wrestle a bulging pillowcase from a sweaty teenager, too, but now they’ve read this article, I think they’ll fight a little harder.

Despite e-mail warnings, scary stories, and Ann Landers columns to the contrary, there have been only two confirmed cases of children being killed by poisoned Halloween candy, and in both cases the children were killed not in a random act by strangers but intentional murder by one of their parents. The best-known, “original” case was that of Texan Ronald Clark O’Bryan, who killed his son by lacing his Pixie Stix with cyanide in 1974.

There have been a few instances of candy tampering over the years—and in most cases the “victim” turned out to be the culprit, children doing it as a prank or to draw attention. With the exceptions noted above, no child has been killed or seriously harmed by contaminated Halloween candy.

[SNIP]

Children are in far more danger from being hit by a car on a dark street.

Candy Fears are Mere Halloween Phantoms,” by Benjamin Radford, the Skeptical Inquirer, 25 October 2005

Yeah. Well. There goes my best source of free chocolate.

On second thought, maybe I can just confiscate all the chocolate with my Official Bulldog Safety Mandate, instead. After all, chocolate is dangerous for dogs, right? And our bulldog does get into everything, right?

And if concern for our Mojo doesn’t work, I’m pretty sure I still outweigh the younger kid. Poundage — combined with years of pillowcase thievery — is on my side. I’m not out of the game yet.

7 Replies to “Must… get… their chocolate…”

  1. Too funny! My son gives his Momma the candy that he knows she likes — he’s such a good boy! It’s that little skinny blond kid that sleeps in the other bedroom and is a card carrying member of Camp Pitch-a-Fit that I have trouble weasling candy out of. But, I found a way to get what I want. I just buy what I want, and stay home to pass it out. “One for you… one for me. One for you… two for me…”

  2. Dear AE,

    Treasure those candy-sharing moments for as long as you can. Before you know it, they’re taller than you and extremely suspicious for no apparent reason.

  3. Ah, but the media is always on the lookout for something to scare moms with regarding Halloween (or anything else under the sun for that matter.)

    This morning: Earnest-face, blond reporter does a story on teeny-tiny bits of lead (paint?) in some Halloween costumes. “The Hidden Dangers–That You Don’t Know About–In Your Child’s Halloween Costume” bleats the promo leading to the segment.

    Er, if it’s hidden doesn’t that imply that parents don’t know…? Sigh…reporter word salad.

    Turns out these costumes come with enormous warning labels in California. In New Mexico, not so much. Oh, the humanity. New Mexico’s childhood poverty ranking is only eclipsed by Mississippi’s (thank God for Miss), but we’re supposed to be worrying about a costume that the child will wear for about an hour.

    Hee. Silly world. Hope your kids have a great Halloween. (And that you bulldog stays chocolate-free.)

  4. Ha! Georganna! Um, it’s a special kind of Halloween candy???

    (And to think I used to win all my school’s spelling bees, for crying out loud.)

    Pat: there’s probably more lead in the dirt under my kids’ fingernails than in any Halloween costumes.

Leave a Reply