In the post office, no one can hear you scream

A team of scientists from San Diego claims to have found extraterrestrial life standing in line in local postal offices.

Well, okay, so I made that up. But some day I’m sure this statement will be proven as scientific fact. Really!

You see, yesterday I spent a long time waiting in the post office. This gave me plenty of time to observe people who acted an awful lot like they came from Pluto. I even sorted them into the following types:

The Odiferous Alien:
This is a really stinky alien. In fact, any insects flying within a three-foot radius of this extraterrestrial will instantly drop dead to the floor. Lifting his package from the floor to the mail counter raises his body temperature and exposes his underarms, thereby increasing the three-foot radius to six feet.

This alien has been known to make even hardened postal employees cry.

The Angry Alien:

This creature becomes more and more irritated the closer he gets to the counter. His irritation manifests itself in spontaneous comments to no one in particular, like, “To hell with this!” and “Dammit!” and “Screw this!”

He grimaces a lot, frightening ordinary humans whose expressions of fear he takes to be a form of agreement. Any information relayed to him by the postal clerks may cause him to erupt into a heated tirade before he shouts and stomps out of the post office.

Note: Angry Aliens are sometimes confused with Helpful Aliens, described below.

The Helpful Alien:

This alien unexpectedly calls out to the postal clerks, describing the general conditions of the post office line and/or making suggestions, like, “There are a LOT of people in your line!” and “Do you see how many people are in your line?” and “Do your job faster so we can all get out of this line!”

Confident that all will be well when the postal employees actually follow his advice, this alien gets concerned if he thinks they haven’t heard him and may punctuate his observations with “Hel-LO! Is anyone home?”

The Reproducing Alien:

These extraterrestrials allow their spawn to fling packages of collector postal stamps at each other, whack each other on the head with mailing tubes, and scream at extremely high decibel levels.

Sometimes the spawn stop to stare at human customers as if considering whether they would taste good or not. Fearful of being eaten, the humans may try to prove they come in peace by waving and/or smiling, but this only causes the spawn to scream at even higher decibel levels.

Note: never approach alien spawn, as their parental units may see you as an edible threat to their offspring. Remember! They are reproducing, so they’re probably hungry.

The Clueless Alien

This alien has no idea why she is at the post office, except that it has something to do with the stamp machine. Confident she will one day decipher its mysteries, she stands in front of it and meditates, trying to reach her inner alien.

A long line always builds up behind her, mainly composed of Angry and Helpful Aliens.

Aliens Fearful of Human Contamination:

This kind of alien will not move forward unless there’s at least a six-foot gap between him and the human in front of him.

When the human behind him (that would be me) starts breathing down his neck, he attempts to use his searing Death Ray Eyes to force her back.

Ha! This may work on other people, but I after years of living with my teenagers I am immune.

waiting in line, post office, aliens, extraterrestrials, space aliens, teenagers, humor