Ich bin ein jelly mouse testicle

It’s a little known fact that adolescent males very much enjoy making statements that have absolutely nothing to do with anything. This is not a mere teenage quirk; it is a diabolical plan to confuse their parental units.

Bonnie: You forgot to take out the trash this morning so I —

Squirt: Do you know that Walt Disney was afraid of mice?

Bonnie: What?

Squirt: (smug) It’s true.

These statements are designed to bring my mental processes to a halt. They work thusly:

  • Stage 1: I think, “No way. This piece of dubious trivia is not true.”
  • Stage 2: I try to remember what I do know about the fact mentioned. Unfortunately, what little I know is never enough to affirm or deny it and since we’re usually in the car when it happens, I can’t look it up.
  • Stage 3: I tell myself to remember to look it up when I go home, thereby forgetting the chore I was going to assign.

You see? Simple and yet so very effective. Another stroke of genius brought to you by the teenage brain.

Bonnie: And when we get home I want you to put away your laun—

Tiger: Mom, you know that speech JFK made in, whatchamacalit, Germany? He said something in German… “Ick… wine…”

Bonnie: “Ich bin ein Berliner?”

Tiger: Yeah, that one. He thought he was saying, “I’m a Berliner guy,” but what he was really saying was, “I am a jelly doughnut.”

Bonnie: No way. I don’t believe it.

Tiger: It’s true. All the Germans laughed at him, too.

Bonnie: The Germans loved JFK! They would never laugh at him!

Tiger: (smug) It’s true.

It used to throw me off track, sure, but no more—I’m on to them now. I’ve not only figured out their clever little plan, I have headed them off at the pass where I now wait, chuckling and ready to take them on.

Bonnie: And then when we get home, I want you to —

Squirt: Hey, Mom! Do you know Hitler only had one testicle?

Bonnie: No, but if you hum a few bars, I’ll fake it.

Squirt: Wha—? That’s weird, Mom.

Bonnie: It’s a joke! You see, you asked me if I know “Hitler only had one testicle” just like it was the title of a song. Get it? If you hum a few bars of a song then I could figure out the song and play alon —

Squirt: (looking dubious)

Bonnie: Forget it.

Okay, I’m mostly ready.



At least I did remember to look all that stuff up. Disney was afraid of mice, but found them “sympathetic.” John F. Kennedy, Jr. did not call himself a jelly doughnnut and the Germans did not laugh at him. So there! And apparently, Russian doctors claimed Hitler did only have one testicle.

9 Replies to “Ich bin ein jelly mouse testicle”

  1. Pingback: My So-Called Blog
  2. Oh – no, you weren’t kidding about the teenagers were you. (and I have 4 boys – so much to look forward to!)

  3. OMG. You are hilarious. Certified! Yes, as with Dennie, I have so much to look forward to. Love the title of this piece…I had to click and see what the heck it was about!

  4. My husband just read this. He was a German Linguist in the Army. JFK meant to say, “Ich bin Berliner”, which means “I’m a Berliner.” However, by adding the article “ein”, he actually did call himself a jelly doughnut.

    This wasn’t as bad a mistake as that made by one of President Carter’s interpreters. Translating for Carter in Poland, the interpreter used an idiom that was a nasty sexual reference for all but a small part of Poland.

  5. Hi, guys!

    Marianne, ask your hubby about what Wikipedia says on the subject (I quoted it below).

    If that Wikipedia article is wrong, your hubby ought to correct it! I always wanted to edit a Wikipedia article, but I never know enough about the subjects to do it, so I will live vicariously through him!

    In German, statements of origin or profession may be made without an article, thus “Ich bin Arzt”(usual) or “Ich bin Brandenburger”(unusual)(I am a doctor; I am from Brandenburg). However, “Ich bin ein Arzt”(unusual) or “Ich bin ein Brandenburger”(usual) is also possible and not a mistake. If you add the article “ein” it will be a form of emphasis: it implies “just one of many.” In Germany it sounds weird if you say “Ich bin Berliner”. It is indeed the case that, if you ask a “Berliner” from which town he is, he would reply “Ich bin ein Berliner”. German linguist Jürgen Eichhoff insists that Kennedy’s phrasing was “not only correct, but the one and only correct way of expressing in German what the President intended to say.”[1] When speaking, Kennedy did indeed stress the ein.

  6. Dave says:

    All of the native Germans I have spoken to about it have a good laugh at JFK’s expense.

    The article “ein” is not used when you say where you are from or what your nationality is. “I’m an American” is “Ich bin Amerikaner.” I’m not positive, but “Ich bin ein Amerikaner” is probably translated as “I’m a jelly filled idiot who can’t speak a foreign language.”

  7. Hello! I don’t know this blog-runner and this comment is very late in coming, but I simply can’t let this string end with the wrong information.

    Being a German student, I was curious about the truth to the Berliner legend and decided to search for it on the internet. After having just gone through about 10 sites, one of which containing Jürgen Eichhoff’s real paper on the subject, I have to say that sadly M.C.’s husband is wrong. Yes, it’s true that when actually referring to yourself as being from Berlin, you would say “Ich bin Berliner.” However, in JFK’s speech he meant to say that he is one of many Berlin residents and did not actually come from Berlin. Because of this, “Ich bin ein Berliner,” or “I am a (as part of a whole) Berliner,” is more correct than “Ich bin Berliner.”

    The Germans in the 60’s would have perfectly understood him. Actually, they’d be more likely to laugh at him if he had said “Ich bin Berliner” with his heavy Boston accent. 🙂

  8. Melinda, thanks for stepping in on this subject! Since we had this discussion I’ve read many opposing viewpoints and am not sure what to think about it, except to hope JFK didn’t mess up that badly.

    It seems like the German newspapers of the day would’ve commented on it if he had been grammatically incorrect. (Or would they have been too polite?)

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