They can cruise like natives through Morrowind’s capital city of Mournhold. They can accurately describe every golf course from Torrey Pines to the Royal Birkdale. They can draw maps from memory of the Covenant’s High Charity.
So how is it that in the real, non Xbox world, they can’t find their way out of a paper bag?
Exhibit A: Eddy
Wolfie: (answers the phone) Hullo?
Eddy: It’s Eddy! I missed the bus!
Wolfie: Squirt and Tiger already left with their mom. You need a ride? Where are you?
Eddy: Um, you know, on La Costa Avenue.
Wolfie: Dude, that’s a big avenue.
Eddy: Just turn from your house onto La Costa Avenue!
Wolfie: Dude, you don’t know your own address? Give me a cross street.
Eddy: JUST LOOK FOR ME ON LA COSTA AVENUE!
Wolfie did find Eddy and get him to school, but this kind of thing happens to Bloodmoon warriors more often than you’d think.
Exhibit B: Joe
Squirt: Mom! Can you take Joe home today?
Bonnie: Sure! Where do you live, Joe?
Joe: First get on the freeway.
Bonnie: Sure! North or south?
Joe: Hunh? Oh! Um… north! No! I mean south! Oh, uh, erhm… Forget the freeway!
But what really gets me is how some of them act so certain when they tell you where to go. Like they’re one of those expositional game characters who fill you in while they fit you with your new armor. I fall for it every time.
Every. Single. Time.
Exhibit C: Tiger
Tiger: We always take this shortcut on our team runs! It’s way quicker. Turn right!
Bonnie: Okay! Now, do I go straight at this intersection? Or right? Or left?
Tiger: Straight! (several minutes go by, as well as lots of lovely scenery) Ooops. I think we were supposed to turn left back there.
Bonnie: Okay! I’ll make a u-turn.
Tiger: (several minutes go by) Yeah, here it is. Okay. Turn right here… (we turn) … I think. Maybe we should’ve turned left. Yup. Definitely left.
Bonnie: I thought you said you take this shortcut all the time!
Tiger: Why are you sounding all irritated?
Ha! Mine aren’t really old enough to give directions, yet. We have to get them before departing the house. I’m usually pretty good with directions. (Just don’t ask me about the day trip to the Zoo and the Build-a-Bear Workshop — I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down…)