I drive an afternoon carpool of teenage boys.
“So?” you might say. “No big deal!”
Yeah? Well listen up. I drive an afternoon carpool of teenage boys in a school district that no longer requires mandatory showers after P.E.
Perhaps now you comprehend my ambivalence to carpooling. Perhaps now you might even grasp the reason why my car seats smell the way they do. And perhaps — just perhaps — you might understand the message I got last Friday: “Mom says to tell you she died so she can’t drive anymore.”
Who knew carpooling could be so tough?
It took some time for my nasal passages to adjust, but I’ve resigned myself to the schedule now. If you see me driving about town after school lets out, you will know what day it is just by looking at my face. To wit:
It’s Monday: Rhonda does the afternoon carpool today. (Unless she backed out again with another undocumented and highly suspicious excuse, like her death, her dialysis appointment, or her family’s move to another school district.)
How You’ll Know: If Rhonda came through, I’m smiling, the windows are rolled up and I give you a happy little wave.
It’s Tuesday: Only two boys in the car: Squirt and Tiger. I gave birth to them so I suppose there’s no one to blame but myself.
How You’ll Know: I wear a sort of grim but determined smile. The windows are down and the vent fan is on “High.” I return your wave with a salute heavy with my sense of duty and obligation. The air inside the car is sulfurous but still breatheable, as long as they don’t take off their shoes.
It’s Wednesday: I’ve got Squirt, Tiger, and Eddy, a junior varsity football player.
How You’ll Know: I do not smile but stare fixedly at the road home. The windows are down, the fan is on “High” and the air-conditioning set to “Max”. I may give you a desperate nod as I repeatedly wipe the fogged-up windshield.
It’s Thursday: I’m transporting Squirt, Tiger, Eddy, and Manny, who’s in sports P.E.
How You’ll Know: I spritz air freshener at every traffic stop. The windows are wide open, including the back hatch. The fan is on “Jet Blast” and the air-conditioner set to “Nuclear Winter”. I do not see you when you wave, but don’t take it personally. My eyes are watering.
It’s the 1st or 3rd Friday: Today it’s Squirt, Tiger, Eddy, Manny, and Jon, who runs on the cross country team.
How You’ll Know: My head is hanging out the window and I am breathing through my mouth. If you see my lips moving it is because I am praying I will survive. My normally curly hair has been permanently straightened.
It’s the 2nd or 4th Friday: Let’s see: there’s Squirt, Tiger, Eddy, Manny, Jon, and Hugo, who thinks nothing of changing out of his track uniform in the back seat as I drive.
How You’ll Know: You can’t actually see me because I passed out and slipped to the floor. Hopefully the fumes are thinner there. If the van is moving, call 911. If it isn’t, call 911 anyway, because I could’ve been dead and rotting for a week and those boys wouldn’t notice anything unusual in the air.
Oh, and please call Rhonda to let her know I’ve died, so she’s got the rest of the weekly carpool schedule. Don’t be shocked if she sticks a pin into my corpse at the funeral; I wouldn’t blame her one bit.
LOL Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment on my site today. I chuckled at your car pool story. A part of me is very happy to hear I am not the only one that has a stinky teen LOL The other part of me totally understands your pain!
Kim, your site had me chuckling, too! I’ve been thinking about certain “flexibility” issues all day!
I know you said you loooove the spam LOL. But you might look into a car air purifier. Got one if you are interested đŸ˜‰
I remember being stuck in a closed warm HS class room with several boys that smelled like that. Not a pleasant thing…
Told you I loved your blog. Now I gotta read it all.
I don’t know why schools no-longer require mandatory showers after gym class? I took a shower after gym class every single day from the 7th grade through the 12th grade, and it was no big deal at all!
I don’t know if boys view it differently, but most of the girls are not embarrassed by being seen nude by other girls in a locker room. I mean seriously, we all have the same body parts.
And In my opinion it is just plain gross to go all day without a shower! I know that most of us girls would have had a fit if we weren’t allowed to take a shower after gym class! It is in the best interest of the students and teachers if the students take a shower after their gym classes.
My daughter just started her freshman year of high school this year, and her school has a very strict rule about the students showering after all of their gym classes and team practices that take place at the school. It’s an all girls private school, so from what I’ve heard they tell parents that complain about the mandatory showers that their daughter will be showering, or else looking for a new school. I’m grateful that my daughter doesn’t have any embarrassment over it, I’m so happy with her school that I would have just had to tell her to get over it because she’s not switching schools. I don’t see what the big deal is about it anyway? I always thought that most schools required post gym showers to this day until I read differently on your blog. I know all the schools in my district required showers in gym when I was in school.